I’m not sure when it started. I don’t even realise I’m doing it for the most part. It is never about anything important. It wont change the world. It is just an instant reaction to certain questions, such as “how are you?”. The automatic response is to simply say “I’m ok” or “I’m fine”. I didn’t do this when I was younger, I was far more free with my emotions and able to talk about myself better than I am able to now. I found expressing things came naturally. At some point things changed, I became more closed off and unable to open myself up. Unable to be honest about how I am, how I’m feeling.
I assume at some point my brain thought this would be a fantastic defence mechanism. If people don’t know how I feel they can’t possibly exploit it. In the end all it accomplishes is keeping people at a distance. When I think about saying anything else it fills me with anxiety. This isn’t just an issue when I’m down or unwell, it might be when I’m happy or looking forward to something.
It is something I’m trying to work on. When I notice myself doing it I give my brain an internal glare of disapproval. I am endeavouring to talk longer about things. Even this short post is a start, although I’m still having trouble trying to express myself further here. It is always hard to try and recapture a part of yourself from earlier in life, it is entirely possible it doesn’t exist anymore.